--- Quote from: Grinnen Baeritt on April 16, 2008, 09:59:15 AM ---Peeves
He accepts the sandwich in much the same way as would a conissuier (sp. ouch!) would approach a fine wine.
Folding his newspaper so that the crossword was still visable he laid it down on the table by the side of this gastronomic feast...
He first settles and eyes the target (the plate). As is in common with most London cafes it is often best not to dwell upon exactly how much hygene training the staff have recieved... in this case, if the spiderweb of cracked glaze over its dull brown pattern was anything to go by the proprietor had taken steps to at least camoflage any flaws in the health and safety process.
He then grasps the plate lightly with both hands and brings it to eye level, studies the pleasent colouration, grain and thickness of the beef's restraints aka Brown Bread Doorstop (*1.). The bread was presumably the regulation thickness (*2), he had to restrain himself from actually taking his ruler from he pocket to measure it, he was undercover after all...
The visable contents of the sandwich were then gazed upon with a critical eye, the beef was a light brown (no visable streaks of green or gray...), plump and ragged of edge(*3). The mustard formed a thin bright yellow stain at the joins of the beef and the bread.
Jeeves smiled with a pang of pride, as a true perfectionist in the application of English mustard he truly appreciated this. (*4)
Next he inhaled the bouqet through his nose.*(5). Once again Jeeves smiled. He could smell the beef, and somewhat more importantly, distinguish it as such.(*6)
He paused (this bit was important), exhaled slowly through his mouth. Finally pursing his lips he prepared himself for first contact(*7)
Putting the plate down he then used the patented Smith & Green "Splayed Hand reverse assualt" method he grasped the sandwich by inserting his right thumb under the leading right-edge of the underside, levering the sandwich up slighty he placed his four fingers of his right hand (*8 ) atop the sandwich. Tipping the sandwich to a vertical position he then increased pressure between thumb and fingers. The pressure applied by the four fingers being proportional both to the width and depth of the sandwich and raised the sandwich in a arc towards his mouth.
Taking a bite, a smile of contentment came over him.
He turned to the waitress and nodded his appreciation.
*1. Obviously in such cases colouration varies with maturity... a greenish/whitish tinge is often a good indication that the vintage is past its prime. Another is that the weevils appear to be dead rather than actually eating it. *2. The regulation thickness for a slice of bread varies according to class. Obviously, those of a higher social standing have far more delicate hands and should not be expected to unduly tire themselves lifting the excessive weight accorded to those of the working classes. In addition, greater amount of skill and attention to slicing thinner is required in the production of a gentlemans sandwich. Hence the apparent disparity between inversely proportional costings of bread served in eateries having a customer base consisting of a different social strata... *3. To the trained eye this is an obvious indication that the regulation cutting implement was not applied in the preperation process. *4. This being application of English mustard to both sides of the filling, enough to stifle out the taste buds... but not enough to induce the gag reflex. French mustard, on the other hand, is considered less "manly" and generally only applied to one side of the filling... and only given to those with a weak backbone. *5. For a true test of the "Beef and Mustard" butty, one should be able to dicern several things... including a deliberate attempt to obscure the odor of charcoal...or rot, with an overly generous application of mustard. *6. Several attempts have been made by unscrupulous butchers (usually of foriegn climes) to replicate the traditional bovine nature of "beef" with a somewhat more, cheaper and available alternative...something more equine or rodent-like. *7. There are many schools of thought about the correct tactic to use whilst eating a sandwich. However, it is a little known fact that these are in fact for the basis for much of modern British military thinking. "A solider thinks with his stomach.." is not just passing phrase to be dismissed lightly. The same also goes for dipping bread into boiled egg yolks.. it is not without good reason that the bread used are formed into lines and called soldiers. *8. It is important to distinguish exactly what hand is used.. the "Splayed Hand reverse assualt" only uses ONE hand, the right. This is an important distinction and one not commonly recognised by foriegners. It is used specifically in situations where the user is comfortable in his surrounding but requires use of the second hand for another (usually trivial) purpose. The two-handed version, the patented Murgatroyd-Jones method, is primarily used when the user is completely comfortable in a situation. It is not used should any company be present using another method..that would be a breech of ettiquette, indicating that either the host or the guest is not entirely comfortable and perhaps more effort should be expended to rectify that situation. Use of the LEFT hand to hold the sandwich, the patented Hugo-Ottoman "Counter reverse Defence" method is frowned upon in polite society, indicative of a lack of trust in the host, as this leaves the right hand free to draw weapons etc.. *9. There is no number 9.
--- End quote ---
Approved by illucypher & Celedor
Dame Eldgeth:
Grinnen Baeritt in SSMD: (The Victorian gentlemen are awakened in the middle of the night, and find their housemate in a state of madness.)
Peeves
"A moment if you will Sir.." he says to Hill. He then proceeds to light the main room lamp.
"Calm yourself... Sir" he fails to see what the threat is.. had he not seen exactly the food that had been prepared he would have sworn that the gentleman had eaten cheese for supper...
Peeves mum had often warned him of the dangers of cheese before bed, and followed her law to the letter. He'd seen the effects of those who thought they knew better and had taken of a selection of fromage before retiring...
Apparently the french cheeses made you go mad... at least according to his mum. Though he personally thought the French had a head start in that department anyway...
He'd have to have a word with Mrs Beeton...
illucypher:
Must admit I thought about this one for the Hall of Fame too, but wanted s/body else to nominate it....
I approve, one more GC approval needed
arakish:
I'm not G/C but approve... As if it means anything...
rmfr
Celedor:
I thought this made the cut as is. . .Eld and Illy make 2 don't they?